WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR...
Feature

Ok, that was my primary list. However I felt that a meagre five wasn't really enough, so I made a supplementary list of 'Others' that I wasn't really going to write anything about, but there were so many 'Others' that I feel I have to write something. So here we go…

Photo Enhancer from 'Blade Runner'
I think this nifty little unit has always been considered a bit of a joke in that it would never ever work. If you haven't seen the film let me quickly explain what this thing is.

Harrison Ford finds an ordinary photograph, he put it in this machine and a grid appears. By the use of voice commands he manages to zoom in on an area of the photo that has to be no larger than a millimetre with perfect, crystal clear resolution.

Now either photographs in the near future are going to be extremely high definition, or Ridley Scott bent the truth a little. I guess they would be pretty cool, but like everything else they'll probably end up being used in porn.


Hover Boards
These little babies appeared in Back To The Future 2, it was basically a skateboard that hovered about a foot above any surface, except water. I don't really know what to say about these things, but I suppose they would be pretty useful.

For a start there probably wouldn't be so much pressure to learn how to ollie as you could just coast over those really annoying bumpy paving slabs they put on pavements to indicate pedestrian crossings these days. Oh, also the kids that like to come down near my flat at 1am and practice their kickflips wouldn't wake me up anymore.


Spaceships/Interstellar Travel
I think this one just goes to prove how used to things we are in sci-fi; I was making this list and at no point did I consider putting down spaceships. You could pretend that we already have a spaceship with the shuttle, but let's face it, that's just a satellite with wings and an engine.

This is always something I've thought we should hurry up with. This planet is pretty much finished I'd say, and I'd like to see our money going into someplace else to live rather than saving this place, in the wise words of Beavis "you can't polish a turd".

But what if there is life out there, on some distant planet. Is it worth finding it and making contact? Well if it's the promise of beautiful women with six breasts I have no idea what we're waiting for.


Radioactive Mutants
Now I'm pretty sure that if anyone falls into a radioactive container, or comes into contact with anything radioactive or toxic in any way, they will die. They will burn and they will die a horrible, horrible death; but not if the realm of sci-fi/comics is to be believed.

In fact, if it is to be believed then I'd have no qualms about running right out now and dousing myself in toxic filth just to get some cool powers. Sure I'd probably be disfigured and wander the streets just sort of moaning and dribbling, but I'd have superb strength and be able to put a stop to the party that's going on upstairs right now (it's 2am).

So this isn't really an invention, but just something you see a lot of that, like the Blade Runner photo enhancer, will never happen. I mean, I wasn't aware of any Chernobyl victim taking to the skies and fighting crime.


Hydrating Pizzas
Jodi wanted me to include this little invention straight from Back To The Future 2. It's a little specific, but let's just take a look for a moment.

In the movie, Marty's 'Ma' comes to the house with a miniscule 3" diameter pizza. It looks pathetic and no-way is that going to feed an entire family for the night. So off she wanders into the kitchen to the Black & Decker Hydration Unit no less. So it looks like a fairly simple process, pop small pizza in, tell the machine which hydration level you want, a quick rumble, and out pops a lovely 12" hot pizza.

Now here's where it gets a little confusing; she takes the pizza in the dining room and Marty proclaims "Boy, Ma! You sure can hydrate a pizza". All she did was say, "Hydrate level 4, please" for Christ's sake! Now the machine seems fairly automatic, I mean, a microwave cooks things fairly quickly, but stopping it a minute sooner can easily affect the quality of macaroni cheese; so there are no real cooking skills for 'Ma' to possess here.

Also, she picks level 4 and gets a lovely pizza, so I'm guessing the thing is probably like a toaster in that there are about 8 settings, but only one will actually produce an edible result, 1 being tiny and dry as a crisp and 8 being a huge soggy dustbin lid-sized mess. So it really only comes down to a matter of trial and error. All it takes is eight pizzas and about half a minute to find out how to hydrate pizzas just like 'Ma'. Come on Marty make an effort.


Dream Recorders
Now I'm no scientist, so I really don't know whether these things could be invented or not, but if they could be then what's stopping someone giving it a go? They would be the greatest things ever made!

I tried to keep a dream diary once because there was some really weird stuff going on. I only managed three dreams I think (I'll post them up one day) but I t was pretty tough writing down pages of nonsense at 3am all bleary eyed and wanting nothing but to go back to sleep.

I guess the main reason that they won't be made is that the film industries will no doubt soon go out of business. Stuff will be shown that no one in their right mind would ever think of writing or filming. Come to think of it, has David Lynch already got one?


Exploding Head Neck Braces for Prisoners
Again, another specific one, so far I've only seen in The Running Man and the anime mini-series Cyber City Oedo 808. These things seem like a pretty good idea; the prisoner makes a break for it, he gets past a certain point of the complex, his head explodes.

I guess they work kind of like those little devices they fit on shopping trolleys these days, you know the ones that stop them from rolling once they get to a certain point. Actually, forget sticking them on prisoners, well stick them on prisoners, but clamp them around anyone with a facial or neck tattoo as well. Particularly if it's a spiders web or a swallow, I don't think I need to explain myself here.

david twomey

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